freaking and flipping.

freaking Libya. flipping special forces. today i dont like either of them.
so eds bags are packed. with orders that say 90 days. when will he leave? dunno. almost this afternoon. this is why i hate SF. he cant tell me. anything. he may be gone at 2 am for all i know. i do know this.
he is leaving. for 3 months. this week or next.
i gotta get myself set up for this mentally.
im in such denial. i keep saying- u dont know FOR SURE. so dont say it. dont speak it. and please dont say anything to the kids.
and why are you wearing a bullet proof vest right now?
and why do we have to get involved with yet Another country?! and why cant i call our moms on the landline and tell them ur leaving?
and what do i tell the kids?
uhm, daddy had to leave. uhm, i dont know where, and , No, i dont know when he is coming home. and is he safe?
dunno that either.
its not iraq.
or afghanistan.

but dont ask me why daddys tummy and chest feel like bricks when u hug him. cause i dont know how i will explain the bullet proof thing he is wearing.
my husband. the man who stops bullets in their tracks.
mommy are you sad?
yes. no. crap i dont like doing this again. 5 more years. 5 more years. 5 more years. and it will be over. i hope he survives. i hope.
who says that? me. i say it. every single time he leaves. i sure hope he survives.
goodbye my love. stay safe. stay strong. we
will
miss
you
every
single
second
you
are
gone.
freaking Libya.