loooong update!

the latest with Germany? not much. i have a million and one GF's, and thats always good. some much closer than others...we are all in this thing together, and there is a huge difference between the wives here and in the states. in the states ur options are huge. i have never had much trouble making friends. i am an extrovert. of course anyone reading this knows this about me.so its not hard for me to make friends. the hard thing is for me to find someone i can trully be me with. open and comfy. i also have criteria for a good friend. im picky like that.
i like shy people the best.introverts.
kind people. compassionate people. oh and they must love kids. i have a truck load of them! so a sorta quiet, shy, kind person is my favorite friend. a good listener. cause i talk alot. LOL!
i love the friends i have made here, and germany is really becoming normal. 5 months later!
i can drive without getting honked at, or gripping the steering wheel like im gunna break it. i am not afraid to go out and about. i can speak enough German to get by. i can understand alot of it. speaking it is harder of course. the problem is, i am learning german from a northern perspective. the "correct" way. but its like in the states, i Live in the South, and their dialect is much different. they shorten and abbreviate, which Rosetta stone does not.
ed is still home. things have sort of died down, but he is always on call...so i dont know when he will leave next. im lucky he didnt go. lots of my friends hubbys did, and are still gone.
kid update for the grandparents:
austin scored so high on his eval tests that he was dropped from the special education program. of course i was excited about that! but now his grades are plummeting. he brought home all C's and one F on his progress report. not good. he also has the most mean teacher in the school. 9 children have been removed from the classroom. im trying to hang in there and teach him that he will encounter mean people throughout his life, and he has to learn to cope. i am Always bailing him out, or fighting his battles. and i want to teach him to be stronger, and not to step in and rescue him all the time. not sure if that was my smartest move. not much i can do about it now. im in the classroom, and im in constant contact with her privately. i have made her mad a few times, and i really dont care. she has still not put on his assisted listening device. he should have been using it two months ago. moving on. GRRR. he is going to be 12! i cant believe my son is going to be 12. and i just love who he has grown into. i couldnt have picked a better heart on a child. so what he doesnt make perfect grades! his morale character is far more important, and he has that in the bag!

kay- as always is doing amazing. she makes me so very proud. straight A's, and she is in the advance classes. she is reading chapter books, and speaking german and spanish with ease. thank you God! its nice to have that one kid that i never ever have to worry about. she does her homework cause she LIKES it. uses birthday money to buy learning activity books, and she has learned multiplication on her own, cause she wanted too. again, thank you GOD for this child. she is still just as beautiful as the day she was born...and she never gets the attention she craves and deserves. im working on that though. we are doing fun fridays now, where i take each child on a date day. every other friday. they get to pick out anything they wanna do. its her favorite day of the month. her special day. i should really be doing more. the "normal" kid always gets the short end of the stick in this family. good thing her daddy dotes and cuddles with her all the time. this mommy lap is full! :(

brayden: oh brayden. my poor little baby with so many issues. maybe i was too old when i had him. maybe i make his problems bigger than they are cause they feel so overwhelming to me? maybe maybe maybe. who knows?? i have so much guilt when it comes to him. and i smother him with love and affection and attention and i spoil him to DEATH. and he is so dependent-because of ME!
working on that folks. respite lady is a miracle worker. love her. have i said this before. well i do. he now knows his colors, shapes, he can count with his fingers and his words. he can put on his shirts, undies, pants, socks and shoes. all these things she got him doing in a months time. here is my guilt. i could have done it too!
giving myself a break here. i could also use that respite care for a sitter, and go on dates nights every week. but i chose to have him with a special ed teacher. i am here while he is getting her care. point for mom. :)
took him to the doc for his tongue-what they thought was causing his speech delays. thought he was having surgery yesterday. nope. but when they checked his lft ear- no movement of the eardrum. translation: my baby cant hear. so now he is deaf in one ear with arthritis. Lord. Lord. Lord. on bended knee. Lord.
HELP! LOL!
he is my heart walking this boy. this smiling happy cheerful boy. with his big green eyes and curly blonde hair. i could just eat him. i never grow tired of him...even in his worst moments i find him irresistable. *sigh*

me- im getting fatter by the second. me and the gym have a date. i lost so much weight when i loved here, and now i feel like im gaining it all back. ugh! why is this so hard for me????!?!?!!? AAAAAHHHHH. its simple. really.
drink water. nothing else.
stop eating chocolate.
work out.
i would be rail thin.
i have no willpower!!!!!!!!!!!
okay. going to bed. gotta work out at 8. i got a new gym partner. :)
XO
kris

freaking and flipping.

freaking Libya. flipping special forces. today i dont like either of them.
so eds bags are packed. with orders that say 90 days. when will he leave? dunno. almost this afternoon. this is why i hate SF. he cant tell me. anything. he may be gone at 2 am for all i know. i do know this.
he is leaving. for 3 months. this week or next.
i gotta get myself set up for this mentally.
im in such denial. i keep saying- u dont know FOR SURE. so dont say it. dont speak it. and please dont say anything to the kids.
and why are you wearing a bullet proof vest right now?
and why do we have to get involved with yet Another country?! and why cant i call our moms on the landline and tell them ur leaving?
and what do i tell the kids?
uhm, daddy had to leave. uhm, i dont know where, and , No, i dont know when he is coming home. and is he safe?
dunno that either.
its not iraq.
or afghanistan.

but dont ask me why daddys tummy and chest feel like bricks when u hug him. cause i dont know how i will explain the bullet proof thing he is wearing.
my husband. the man who stops bullets in their tracks.
mommy are you sad?
yes. no. crap i dont like doing this again. 5 more years. 5 more years. 5 more years. and it will be over. i hope he survives. i hope.
who says that? me. i say it. every single time he leaves. i sure hope he survives.
goodbye my love. stay safe. stay strong. we
will
miss
you
every
single
second
you
are
gone.
freaking Libya.

Respite care

this is such a small community of military families. we all know each other. we are all "friends" if not, we def. know the same people. im starting to get annoyed with it. honestly. this person said. she said. she did this. her kids did that. i need to STAY out of the drama. and i have so far. its hard not to get sucked in.

i just remember to not say anything that does not benefit the person i am speaking of. or i just smile and nod. the most important thing is to NOT tell anyone what anyone else said. oh goodness. this place is so much like highschool.

i had to fire our respite care worker after only 1 visit.

*stopping to think if anyone reads my blog from here.

*nope.

they may one day, so i wont go into details. but i was SCARED to do it, cause she is friends with EVERYONE and their mother on post. she is on the board of my bible group, PWOC. but i had to do what i had to do to protect my kiddo.

this is supposed to benefit him, not hurt him.


brayden's arthritis is really acting up. it breaks my heart.

i had a complete woe is me moment yesterday and cried for an hour. worrying about him. asking God why? why does he have to have pain? why does he hurt? it isnt fair! why couldnt it just be me?!

i still have hope that he will be healed. please pray for that miracle!
then, i met a mom. her daughter is in brays special ed class. she is autistic.
she told me, i just wish she could say i love you mommy. just once.

really puts things into perspective, huh?

sometimes there are no answers. sometimes we just have to make the best of what we got. maybe try to find the message through our sorrows. build strength through our trials.

sometimes bad things just happen to really good people.

i dunno.

but im getting there.

off to meet the new respite care worker.

if im not impressed, and i mean really impressed i wont do it.

my GF is going through the training to become Braydens worker. i can wait until she is finished. he LOVES her! and most importantly, she loves him.

XO,
Kris

For Keri

10 years ago I was: married with a 2 year old, and saying goodbye to my husband as he went off to war after 9/11.

5 years ago I was: 4 months pregnant, grieving my grandpas death and my parents failed marriage. (whew-- doom and gloom!)

1 year ago I was: living in Kansas, and getting ready to move to VA with my family. :)

5 snacks that I enjoy: chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, & chocolate. okay specifically, reeses peanut butter cups, the minature kind. german candy bars. OMG they are so flippin good! chocolate milk is my fav beverage, is that a snack? it is for me! fudge, and chocolate cake.

5 songs I know all the words to: amazing grace, silent night-i sing this year round, ask my kids, baby got back. LOL- no i dont. i just thought it would be funny after silent night! uhm, wow. i dont really know alot of songs by heart. thank you for this survey. now i know yet another fault i have! LOL!

5 things I would do with a million dollars: easy. i would buy my mom a home. 1st. and give her a ton of money to live on. oh and then i would buy me a home right next to hers. HA! i would put some in savings for the kids college funds, i would buy ed the truck he has always wanted, and i would give a substancial amount to charity. you hear that God?! go ahead and bless me! hehehe.

5 favorite TV shows: real housewives of atlanta, beverly hills, dc, new york, and jersey. that one was easy. :)

5 things that I'm thankful for: my salvation, and eds and austins. the other 2 are too young yet. thats one. it counts as one. just so u know. cause i got more! good health for me and my family. that also counts as one. thankful that i dont have to work, that i can stay home with my kids. i guess fiancial security is the word im looking for. not that we are rich by any means, but we are doing okay. we aint starving. (clearly) :)
and number five would be this crazy chance we get at living in a foriegn land. it isnt always easy, but we are so incredibly blessed to experience it.

2 names I go by: mom, mama, mommy, babe, honey, cutie pie, kris, krissy, kristina, kristy, oh 2. my bad.

2 parts of your heritage: i only know one. cherokee indian. unless the german came from keris dads side, in that case German too. :)

2 things that scare me: heights. planes.

2 of my every-day essentials: q-tips, shampoo, deoderant, toothpaste. sorry. come on- it says essentials!!! (conditioner too)

2 things I'm wearing right now: HA im only wearing two things! my shirt, and my underpants! LOL!

2 of my favorite bands/musical artists (at the moment): at the moment i have 1 radio station, and its in german. so nothing right now!!!!

2 things I want in a relationship (other than real love): kindness, determination to succeed.

2 truths: God and LOVE. and i dont mean romantic love, i mean loving everyone and everything around you. even ur enemies. it is the Truth. its the right way. the only way to aquire true inner peace.

2 physical things that appeal to me in the opposite sex: their head and body. HA! okay, i like good clean teeth, blue eyes, and big hands. and i like em tall.

2 of my favorite hobbies: READING hands down. and reality tv. ugh. its a terrible addiction.

2 things I want really badly: i want to die before my children, and i want constant contentment and inner peace.

2 places I want to go on vacation: israel, australia

2 ways that I am stereotypically a girl: im SO moody. i want to be pretty.

2 things I normally wouldn't admit: i worry constantly about my kids. im addicted to sugar.

2 things I am thinking about right now: my addiction to sugar, (thanks) LOL, and how blessed i am in my friendships lately.

2 stores I shop at: HA! here or in america? okay lately. the flippin grocery store-and the PX, where everyone speaks english! in the states, it would be the mall, in anywhere, usa, and walmart.

2 people I haven't talked to in awhile: keri n erin. :( the best cousins in the whole world. i miss and love you desperately!

Africa.

We took Ed to the airport this morning. i know its just a week. the kids know its just a week. the memories we have are vicious though. it was hard to not think of all the times i have taken him, and he did his rounds of kissing through the van. first kay, while she wept, then brayden, still clueless and half asleep. then austin, blinking back tears. and then he was gone. and we were alone. with our fears. and our regrets.
on a cold dark night. so many times i have felt this feeling. i admit it. i cried on the way home. cried for all of those times. cried that i was crying! and again, silently. so the kids would not know. so they wouldnt hear. so they wouldnt be afraid.
what a sick feeling. and again they all crawled in the bed with me when we got home. our usual. this time though i stopped crying long before we got home. i slept soundly, and i didnt wake with a start. remembering i had just taken my husband and left him, maybe to his death.
i know its only a week. i know these weeks will be frequent.
i know it isnt Iraq or Afghanistan.
i know he will be "safe."
i know so many women who sleep alone. who worry. who wonder. if they will ever see their husband again.
if they will tell their kids he lives, or dies.
i try to think of them when i have these moments of complete self pity.
the silence is deafening. he is so much a part of our everyday now..that even a week is too long.
tomorrow is a new day, and one day closer to him being home again. :)

xo,
Kris

austria

We went to Austria!!!! Salzburg, Austria, Berghausen, Germany and Munick for new years.


what a treat! and now i have the travel bug. im already planning my next trip!!!! cannot wait to go to france on Ed's birthday. 2-21. we have a vacation jar and we fill it daily with money here and there. all laundry money goes into travel jar, unless it came from my jeans. shhh. dont tell Ed.
best parts of austria?
church bells that ring through the entire city....you could just waltz to them, they are so beautiful....
the architecture. the homes are brillaint colors, stacked together like legos on cobblestone roads...
the handholding and kissing at every corner...there is so much PDA here..
the fireworks...the american music...and the people that sing it with accents.
the countryside with unusual and beautiful trees....
the snow topped terra cotta roofs, and little children with red cheeks and pink noses.
the crowds of people that never seem to mind each other.
the italians, all dressed up in their sunday best...holding arms of the same sex family member with them...
the smiling, the laughter.
the way they dance, just jumping up and down...
the shopping, the selling, the bargaining...
the food...
the hospitality in our hotels..
breakfast.
bitter coffee, and fizzy cola. my kids dont even know what coke is anymore. its just cola.
the driving, with ed at the wheel...stopping to get our passports stamped when we didnt even have too...
sour faces with their arms behind their backs, hands clasped, walking slumped over with a pipe hanging from their mouth.
the fur coats...
(i need one)
the castles...the grey skies and icicles...
the smells of gluwein, and brats on every corner.
the feeling of just us again...where no one knows our names...a family. my family. alone in the world. happily. :)