Africa.

We took Ed to the airport this morning. i know its just a week. the kids know its just a week. the memories we have are vicious though. it was hard to not think of all the times i have taken him, and he did his rounds of kissing through the van. first kay, while she wept, then brayden, still clueless and half asleep. then austin, blinking back tears. and then he was gone. and we were alone. with our fears. and our regrets.
on a cold dark night. so many times i have felt this feeling. i admit it. i cried on the way home. cried for all of those times. cried that i was crying! and again, silently. so the kids would not know. so they wouldnt hear. so they wouldnt be afraid.
what a sick feeling. and again they all crawled in the bed with me when we got home. our usual. this time though i stopped crying long before we got home. i slept soundly, and i didnt wake with a start. remembering i had just taken my husband and left him, maybe to his death.
i know its only a week. i know these weeks will be frequent.
i know it isnt Iraq or Afghanistan.
i know he will be "safe."
i know so many women who sleep alone. who worry. who wonder. if they will ever see their husband again.
if they will tell their kids he lives, or dies.
i try to think of them when i have these moments of complete self pity.
the silence is deafening. he is so much a part of our everyday now..that even a week is too long.
tomorrow is a new day, and one day closer to him being home again. :)

xo,
Kris