Goodbye.

I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to blog and haven’t. There are a million reasons why I haven’t and a million more why I wanted too. Writing calms me. It makes the thing that I am experiencing- whatever it may be- settled. It makes it more real. Underlined. Complete.
So as I type this I feel a sense of relief, and burden. Because where do I begin?
Once upon a time?
Once upon a time there was a girl who moved to a foreign land. That girl is me. And I’m here. I have arrived…but first; I had to say goodbye.

Goodbyes are never easy. Never have been- for me. And I do feel as though I have said goodbye more than the average bear. I avoid a goodbye like I avoid the “bad” part of town, or public transportation, or dirty bathrooms. This goodbye was inevitable. I went home to Georgia to do it.

In the days before I left, I couldn’t think about it without getting teary eyed. I thought over and over- what have I done??? Honestly, I’m still thinking that, at times. Ed didn’t force us here. Neither did the Army. Germany was our top choice. And we always get our top choice. Thanks to Ed being so good at what he does. Germany was My top choice. Not Ed’s. He has already seen the world. He is sick of the world. He would have rather been at Fort Campbell. But not me. I have seen Canada. Lovely as it was- my dreams have always been to travel. Well, have Ed, children and travel. They have come true. I have everything that I’ve ever wanted. But goodbyes still suck.

I’ll start with my mom. She cried, for days after I left- I heard. I cried the entire time I was leaving her house. Then I cried all the way out to Eds’ parents house. And then I cried some more. Leaving my mom was obviously the most painful for me. The kids were crying too, and I blame myself. I could have done that so much better, but ALL I could think about was- OMG. I’m not going to see her for 4-5 years!!!!!!!! What if something happens to her? What if she is unhappy? What have I done to my poor mom?!? She has already been through so much! In the meantime my dad is kicking her out of the only home she has lived in for 30+ years. A home she paid for, worked for, raised her children in, the home she thought she would Always live in. and not only that- she is once again moving for a man. Not to be ugly here. I do like Todd-but Todds’ family is in Florida—not hers. Just like Dads family was in Georgia when she left Michigan. What if she gets stuck there? What if she hates it? She will have no one to help her move. Oh it was just a terrible moment. The hardest goodbye I have ever said to her before. And I have said plenty of them- I assure you. We didn’t even say goodbye. She was laying in her bed crying, and I cried all the way out the door. There was no goodbye. Was it better? Probably not. But that’s how we ended it. With no ending at all.

We spent the next night at Ed’s parents’ home. Repeat the above only replace me and my mom with Ed and his. The bright spot: the following day we went to visit Ed’s Grandma. This woman has been a Godsend to me. I have loved her just like my own grandmother for 15 years. She has always treated me like family, and we have always been really close. When my own grandmother died, she was the one who kept calling to check on me. She helped me deal with granny’s death better than anyone else could. Last year she forgot who I was. She has this terrible disease, Alzheimer’s. I never thought there could be something as horrendous as Alzheimer’s. Why would God even come up with this thing? I mean come on. Is there anything worse than the person you love, and who has loved you- totally forgetting who you are??!?!?! It was a gradual thing. (Trouble is: I come home once or twice a year- I don’t DO gradual) And she got really good at playing it off on the phone. She would pretend to know you. But when she asked me if those kids were mine- I knew. And I cried and cried. Every single time I visited her, I left a complete wreck. She was like a shell of her former self. I just kept telling myself: You know who SHE is. She is still a loving, kind, sweet, amazing woman. That never changed. She just forgot ME. And the kids. She goes back in time…she remembers her parents, her siblings, and Ed’s dad, her child. The last few times I visited her, I got over the fact that she forgot me, and I just kept telling her who I was. And she would smile and remember for a moment. But mostly not.
She was put into a nursing home when I went home to say goodbye. We brought her a T.V. and I helped her into her gown. She kept begging me to get her out of there. It was so sad. She had gotten too much for Ed’s mom to care for, and couldn’t be left alone any longer.
Our last visit-- the day we left for the airport: I went in that building with the complete knowledge that I will never see her again after this. She will probably pass and the next time I come home will be for her funeral. (Just keeping it real here) Those were my thoughts as I walked down the corridor of wheelchairs and smiling faces. I just Love old people! She was in the corner, in the front. I heard her before I saw her. “GRANDMA!!!” my kids cried out and hugged her and when I looked at them in her arms, yep you guessed it, I started to cry. I’m crying now just typing it. I am such a hot mess! She looked up, and Void- you know what she did? She said the most beautiful words I have ever heard her say, “Kristy, where have you been?” I lost it. And she started to cry. And the nurses started to cry- cause they knew too. And someone brought over some Kleenex’s and I got on the floor and kneeled beside her and I told her, “I love you Grandma.” She said she loved me too, and then asked me again as she stroked my hair, “where have you been?” I told her, “I have been here, but you forgot me Grandma, you forgot who I was.”
“I declare, I wouldn’t forget you!”
“Oh Grandma we are moving to Germany.”
“When?” she said through her tears and mine.
“Right now. We are going to the airport.”
“But I love yall!” she choked out and she looked at me and it was HER. My Grandma. The Grandma I had lost a year ago. For a moment she was back, and I felt like the Lord had just blessed me and our family with the biggest gift. She was our gift- always. Even when she had forgotten us, she was still alive. Unlike my own grandmother, I could call her. I could hug her, I could talk to her, and I could love her despite her illness. Despite the fact that she didn’t even know who I was. The day I left. She knew me. And what a gift that was. Still is. I won’t soon forget it.

Whew. That was tough to type. It was tough to Live! But it’s done. The goodbyes. They are over. I am here in Germany and I have so much to share with you. So many things. And experiences. I think I may treasure them all. The good and the bad. Cause isn’t that what life is all about? Growing to appreciate all that gets thrown at us? Because if we never have a bad day, how will we recognize the good ones?

More to come…

Kristina